I’m always amazed at how well kids deal with death. A friend called today, she told me that one of their foster kittens had just died. Since my son was on the way to her house for a play date with her little girl, she wanted to know if it was alright to talk about it around my boy. How would he take it? Does it concern me? I have such thoughtful friends. But it was fine as my boy is all too familiar with death. And, while she was also concerned about her daughter, and how she would take it, it turns out she was not distraught at all. She had two other foster kittens, their two dogs and a friend to play with. But that’s the mind of a six year old. They haven’t turned the corner on their consciousness yet. They haven’t become people of the world, they don’t see the larger picture, and this is good.
I read once that around the time a child turns seven or eight they begin to see themselves as part of the world, instead of the center of it. This is when they begin to understand empathy in a truly deep way, not just as a pattern developed by consciences parents. This growth, these concepts are actually felt now within their own psyche. It’s when death does become profound.
So, before a child turns seven or eight, before they have the weight of the world on their shoulders we have a great opportunity to help ease the realities of life. After all, isn’t that what childhood is for? To prepare us to face the world as adults?
When my boy and I went to the carnival a few weeks ago and he won two goldfish it was truly a gift. Not the fish, not a pet for him to be responsible for, although that’s nice too, at least until the thing is floating belly up, as goldfish are apt to do… and quickly, but it’s that belly up fish that was actually the gift.
Goldfish are a great introduction to death. They are pets, beloved in a feed them and watch them swim kind of way. But they are not cuddly, like a kitten, or loving like a grandparent and these are deaths that children will have to face at some point, if we’re lucky and they outlive us. Ideally, a child would loose a fish first, hopefully during these early years when their brains have not fathomed the depth of death yet and they can move on. My son’s reaction to his fish dying was to plead for the privilege of dumping it in the toilet and getting to flush.
Once the dead fish has been dealt with, if you can call the joy of flushing “dealing with it” we’re ready for the cat. Let’s hope we don’t have to say good bye to cat soon, but when we do, we’ll have that fish experience. And after that, it’s the older people we love, hoping that’s years away, hoping that there were enough fish and cats and distant others to help up along the way. If all goes according to this idea we’ll have that something to point at and say, “hey you got through that remember? You are alright now, you’ll be alright again.” It’s a gradual thing, a gradual understanding that we can face the tough realities of life, that we are strong and we’ll be okay. Even when these realities don’t come at us as planned, even when we loose someone dear, young and close too soon, these experiences remind us that we’ll find a way. And it all starts with a dead fish.
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